


Death Day

by PepperSpicedLatte



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Addressing Emily's trauma when the show didn't, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dermatillomania, Dissociation, Emily is really really sad, F/F, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, This isn't happy folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:07:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29850945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepperSpicedLatte/pseuds/PepperSpicedLatte
Summary: The first anniversary of Emily's death comes quicker than expected, and she realises how far from okay she is.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 6
Kudos: 52





	Death Day

**Author's Note:**

> So, in time for the 7th March I thought I'd write some pain and suffering. Enjoy...or don't because not even I could enjoy when Emily is so sad.

Everything was okay. Everything was back to normal - or as normal as it could be. She was back with the BAU, she was working on mending her friendships, gaining back their trust and trying to fit into her old life again. Everything was okay. The world seemed a fresh new place, somewhere she’d been allowed a second chance for god knows what reason. But she wouldn’t argue with it. She got to spend the days with her family, starting to laugh again, getting hers and JJ’s relationship back on track. Everything was okay. 

It was. 

It really, really was.

Until it wasn’t. 

Ever since midnight on New Year's Day, Emily had started to count down the days. Sixty-five days. That was how she had started her new year, beside kissing JJ drunkenly as the clock struck twelve. They stayed in to watch a movie on the TV, Emily wrapping her arms around JJ, keeping her close as they tried to ignore the fireworks outside. She had been rambling on about something, rubbing her girlfriends arm as she jumped at any particularly loud firework. They hadn’t gone out with the rest of the team or accepted any invitation to celebrate the New Year with them this year. As much as Emily was happy, she couldn’t bring herself to forcibly celebrate something that seemed so insignificant now. Besides, she had to be there for JJ and keep her as distracted from the fireworks as possible. She was the only one who knew about Afghanistan and what had happened; she had to look after her girlfriend. 

But still in the back of her mind, once the date on her phone changed to ‘01/01/2012’, all Emily could do was count down. Sixty-five days until the anniversary of her life ending. It was okay though. Everything was okay. She had time before then to figure out how to cope, to compartmentalise her trauma even more than she already had done. Because Emily was coping just fine. She’d get on with her work to a high standard, focusing and being driven with the need to be better, to do better that it never bothered her because she didn’t give herself time to think about it. And then on the nights after they got home from a case, or on a weekend when she was exhausted from hiding and suppressing, she’d curl up in the shower or against JJ in bed and sob. 

It worked for her, even when she drank too much to no longer feel the pain or when she picked at her skin until she bled. It worked until it didn’t. Until she started to dissociate again. She had done it in Paris, though had ignored it and what it meant. Being back at the BAU had made them go away for a while and Emily thought she’d been freed of the episodes. But they’d come back with a vengeance, to JJ finding her sat against one of the kitchen cupboards when she’d come home from a run simply staring into the unknown and shaking. Her fingers had been ripped to pieces, bleeding and painful and it had taken a while to get her back to reality. She’d been so exhausted by it that she’d curled up on the floor, head in JJ’s lap and let her stroke her hair as she slept for a good hour or so. 

Everything was okay. 

Therapy was okay until JJ had found out she’d been lying to her therapist. Not about everything - Emily couldn’t deny that she did indeed need therapy - but when it came to her state of mind and how that could put her job in jeopardy, she had bent the truth slightly. If everyone thought she was okay, then she would be. That was how it worked right? She could trick her brain into thinking positive thoughts and then they’d come true. 

She thought it had worked for the most part. She was feeling okay. Better than okay in fact. She felt as if she could finally see herself having a future and that it wasn’t simply the emptiness she had experienced when she’d coded in the ambulance. 

But that was short lived. 

Her mandate therapy was over and her therapist had left her with a bombshell of a thought. 

And she’d spiralled. 

No one knew though. No one knew that she'd sneak off to the restroom during cases to try and quell the panic that had risen inside her for no apparent reason. No one knew that her hands shook so much sometimes it was hard to type on her phone and that she feared her aim would be compromised. No one knew that her thoughts swam to terrifying places when she had a moment to think for herself; when they were on the jet home or in the car. No one knew that sometimes she felt Doyle’s breath on the back of her neck, or his voice in her ear telling her to join him in the watery depths of oblivion. No one except JJ. She held Emily’s hand when they were shaking too much to ground her. She distracted her when she could see her mind wandering, talking about everything she could think of. JJ held her wrists in her hands when Emily woke up screaming from nightmares, stopping her from pulling at her hair and hitting herself to make the sound of Doyle’s voice go away. JJ soothed her and told her she was going to find her another therapist, one that specialised in PTSD. 

They were in this together. 

Even when Emily didn’t tell her how many times she’d thought of stepping in front of a moving car, or putting her gun to her head, or letting an unsub take a shot at her. She couldn’t tell JJ that. She couldn’t. 

But everything was okay. 

Despite counting down the days obsessively, March still snuck up and hit Emily like a ton of bricks. Sixty-five days turned to seven. On the first of March, she woke up with her bones heavy and her head thick. Getting up was hard but she managed it. The look she and JJ shared made Emily wonder how long she’d also been counting down. 

On the second of March, they were onto their second day of a case. Emily busied herself more than usual, making sure she had no free time in thinking about how close the date was. She collapsed into bed with JJ that night and was asleep before the other could ask how she was. 

The third of March brought much the same thing except for the fact that Emily had nearly got herself hurt by her reactions being a split second too slow. On the jet, JJ had laid with her on the couch, covered them both with a blanket and held her close. 

The fourth of March brought a whole new issue. She didn’t have a case to focus on now, and reports and paperwork weren’t enough to stop her mind wondering. Emily had also noticed the looks the others were giving her now the days were drawing in quickly. She knew they wouldn’t say anything to her regarding it, but the looks were starting to get on her nerves as if they expected her to break at any second. This was the day Hotch subtly told her she could take the next few days off if she needed too. 

As the fifth of March swung around, she could feel the panic settle in her stomach, biding its time. Her fingers were picked to shreds and she chewed on them incessantly as she thought of Tsia and how she’d unnecessarily died for her. The only good thing about the day was going to see Declan after work for his birthday. She had given him his present from her and JJ, pressed a kiss to his forehead and told him she loved him. Despite being a fourteen year old teenager, Declan had hugged her back tightly as a way to say he loved her too. 

On the sixth of March, Emily was on edge. She was quiet, snapping slightly at anyone who even got on her nerves a small amount and tried to ignore the nausea in her throat the whole day. She had to go to the bathroom to calm herself down, had let Penelope follow her and pull into a tight hug. After she was home, she had taken the bath JJ had drawn for her, had hardly eaten her dinner and had curled up against her girlfriend as her favourite movie played in the background. Neither of them slept much that night. Emily was too scared to and JJ was too scared to let her deal with it on her own. 

With two hours of sleep, Emily woke up on the seventh of March feeling numb. She felt nothing and yet her mind was screaming and her hearing was muffled. JJ reminded her that they didn’t have to go in today, they could stay at home, but Emily wouldn’t. She had to go in and act like nothing was wrong and she was perfectly fine. 

Because everything was okay. 

Emily went into work with a box of donuts for everyone. She made them coffee, took files off their hands to do for them and spent the first few hours distracting herself and pretending everything was fine. Again, no one mentioned the events of the day though there was a tension in the air which Emily hated with a passion. The others were cautious with her as if they were scared she’d explode at any moment. They looked at her sympathetically and sadly as they noticed the dark circles under her eyes and all Emily wanted was to tell them to stop. 

She was coping though. 

She was. 

That was until she overheard Hotch and Rossi talking about a potential case. It was the name Lauren that had done it. Such a common name that held so much weight. Her world started to collapse in on itself as her vision narrowed, her hearing being more muffled as the ringing in her ears increased. All Emily could feel was panic, nausea and the need to escape. Almost stumbling out of her chair, she moved to JJ’s old office, not even knowing how she’d got there. It was dark as she shut the door behind her, sinking to the floor as she shook. Head in her hands, Emily pulled at her hair as she rocked back and forth, unable to see or hear. All she could do was feel the way he touched her, the pain of the table leg slicing her in two. His breath on her neck, the way her skin felt as he branded her prickled unbearably, the smell of burnt flesh attacking her senses. It was all too much. She felt like she was dying all over again. 

Emily was stuck in a loop, repeating the worst moment of her life again and again. She didn’t notice anything around her, she didn’t know where she was, who she was. Emily didn’t see JJ slip into the room and sit next to her. She didn’t hear her talking to her softly, trying to penetrate through the thick walls surrounding her. Nothing could reach her though. She was drowning into the never ending darkness and she was going to die again. 

His voice was lulling her deeper and deeper. His hand was around her throat as he tried to suffocate the life out of her. He was winning, though she never put up much of a fight to begin with. What was the point? She was alone, deathly alone with only her killer standing over her for company. 

Then, there was music in the darkness which Emily hadn’t noticed before. Calming, soft, familiar. She didn’t know where it was coming from but all she could do was follow it. Struggle out of his grasp and stumble after the source of the sound. Emily didn’t know how long she followed it for but the closer she got, the more she could hear the voice. The soothing voice of her girlfriend bringing her out of the darkness. 

She came back all of a sudden, gasping for air as she broke the surface. But suddenly everything was too loud, too bright even in the low light of the room. Emily pulled at her hair as she sobbed, only to find JJ’s hands gripping her wrists lightly not only to stop her hurting herself but to ground her as well. The familiar touch caused the tension in her body to disappear and she all but collapsed against JJ, exhausted and shaking. JJ rocked her, running her fingers through her hair as she spoke to her soothingly though Emily still couldn’t understand what she was saying. But she focused on her voice even through her sobs until her tears stopped and she went quiet. 

It was a mystery how long they had sat there, how the blanket had gotten over Emily as she slowly came back to reality. The familiar sounds of the building started to come back to her, the ringing in her ears dying down slightly. She could feel the carpet beneath her, the way JJ was breathing against her and her fingers still combing through her hair. 

“Jen-“ She managed to croak out, her voice hoarse from all the crying she’d done. 

“Hi Emmy, sweetheart.” JJ cooed, leaning over to press a gentle kiss to her head. “I’m here baby, I’m here, you’re safe.” 

JJ had passed her a bottle of water and helped her drink at it thirsty. It helped make everything clearer, even if her head was pounding and she still could feel Doyle there with her. 

“Take your time baby, there’s no rush to move.” 

It still took Emily a long time to find any sort of energy to even think about moving from the floor. JJ had fed her some chocolate to give her some energy, had wrapped the blanket around her shoulders as she sat up and took her hands to stop her from ripping at her skin. She got someone else to bring Emily’s bag to the room, though she wasn’t even sure who it was. And then they were walking to the elevator, JJ holding onto her every step of the way and not letting go until she had got her settled in the passenger seat of the car. She didn’t notice they had got home until JJ was opening the door for her and helping her out, leading her inside and up to their bedroom. She helped her dress into some of JJ’s own comfier clothes and settled her in bed, joining her not long after. 

Emily clung to JJ as if she was her only lifeline, scared if she let go she’d die by Doyle’s hand once more. He might be dead but he still had an iron grip on Emily. Any word from him and she was close to jumping. 

“I love you.” JJ murmured quietly. “I love you so much Emily. I’ve got you and I’m never going to let go. I know things are dark right now, but we’ll make it, I promise. I promise.”

It felt impossible to feel anything but this, but if there was anyone she trusted it was JJ. She had been there, her light in the darkness and she had never once deserted her. 

Everything wasn’t okay. It wasn’t okay at all. 

But perhaps one day it would be.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone's interested, the song mentioned is 'I Giorni' by Ludovico Einaudi


End file.
